Health24 Sex Survey Review - Q1-10

So Health24 has released their Sex Survey ... now being the male that I am I can almost guarantee that almost all of the male respondents were sent the questions by their girlfriends/wives etc cause I highly doubt Health24 has a major male readership (unless its those semigay dudes who buy Men's Health claiming to 'read the articles' when all they are really interested in is the multitude of male underwear models throughout the pages - it should be called Men Who Like Buff Men's Health) ...

Anyhow, upon reading the responses I have some interesting points to discuss ...

1. How important is sex in your life?

Both men and women appear to have similar views on this ... they both feel it is 'Very' important ... which it should be cause well if the motion in the ocean aint rocking your boat then you may as well take up a new hobby ... like knitting or counting the tiles in your bathroom ...

Where I am a bit confused is on the male answers 'Not at All' and 'Other' ... not at all ?? who the fuck you trying to kid ? must be some of the respondents who thought that when they gave their email address to recieve the results that they were being monitored by their SOs through some women's underground sex survey check ... trying to be all sensitive n shit thinking that by responding to this some unsuspecting woman is gonna read it and think OMG he is so sensitive and not interested in 'just sex' ... i so have to fuck him senseless and give him my virginity (for the 9th time) cause I just know he is 'the one' ...

And 'Other' ?? WTF ?? how do you answer other to a question like this ... its kind of a variation on the yes/no structure with varying levels of intensity ... other ?? ... like what ... its only important in certain circumstances like when you paid the bitch and want your monies worth ?? fuck man get a clue ... then again maybe these guys just dont understand the concept of yes vs no ... in which case ladies stay the fuck away from them ...

2. What feature of a person most affects whether they turn you on?

Well it seems my fat ass is never gonna get laid in SA ... cause it appears that whether its a man or a woman if I dont have the body I aint gonna be getting me some ... then again they dont really go into much detail about what 'Body' covers ... so like maybe a large number of respondents are into fat asses in which case Im ahead of the game ...

What really confuses me is just how fucking dumb are the women in our country which when given the option between 'None of the above' and 'Other' cant seem to figure out that these are THE SAME FUCKING ANSWER !!!

3. Have you ever fallen in love?

More of these sensitive guys thinking they gonna get laid by 'opening up' ... what they really need is a question 'Do you know the difference between lust, love and just feeling horny ?' ... fuck ... enough booze and any man will love u loooong time ... or at least till the morning when he wakes up and discovers that he may have gone home with the wrong woman but who the fuck cares cause HE GOT LAID !!!

4. What feature of a person most affects whether you might fall in love with them?

Apparently 'Personality' ... well people if 'Body' turns you on and 'Personality' makes them a permanent feature ... then are u fucked if you love them but arent turned on by them ? Or do you just 'take one for the team' till you find someone who possibly turns you on but doesnt really have much in the way of personality ...

I know of a saying regarding women ... A woman can have a great personality, a gorgeous appearance, and is completely sane of mind ... pick 2 cause the third will always be the opposite ... ymmv (btw for all the bitches out there - this also applies to men - and I mean bitches in that way that rap singers use it to describe scantily clad women dancing all the time - so its a friendly term) ;)

5. How frequently do you fantasise about sex?

OMG it appears that the majority of SA is waaaaay too undersexed ... either that or we just have the horniest nation in the country ... fuck I know what they need to do for the next elections ... free oral sex for just showing up cause THEN we will get some real numbers voting as opposed to the majority which appears to include a load of homeless people who get out of the rain/cold for 20 minutes with their ballot paper ...

I fantasise about sex ... um ... every 17 seconds ... even more when I am involving my sexually inspired babe in the discussions (about every 3 seconds then) ... she is like nitrous giving me that extra boost ... 0 to Horny in 3 seconds flat ...

I know I am not undersexed ... im just horny (the politically correct term would be 'in touch with my inner need to practice procreation') ... then again I have been in Nigeria now for almost 7 weeks ... so believe me ... 7 weeks of blue balls and I think they gonna fall off soon ...

6. Do you believe the best sex happens with someone you love?

An amazing number of people think yes ... this is BULLSHIT ... the best sex happens with someone you are COMFORTABLE with ... albeit this is very likely only ever going to be someone you are in love with (and thus someone that you can take a dump in front of knowing that they find it 'cute') ... of course this can also be experienced between plutonic 'best friends' who love each other but are not necessarily 'in love' with each other ... thus allowing for a level of comfort not typically experienced in those one night stand situations ...

I think for most guys not experienced in the tantric ways ... they pretty much figure that as long as they getting laid then the sex is good ... or worse still the better they think they did the better the sex is ... or maybe its based on if they got head before (or even after) they had deposited their load into the crevice they percieve to be 'in love with' ...

Being that the previous answers seem to indicate that you have to have a hot 'Body' in order to be turned on, but you need to have a great 'Personality' in order to fall in love ... this seems to indicate that the majority of respondents get turned on by people who give them shitty sex ??

ie: if the best sex is with a great 'Personality' then why the fuck doesnt this turn you on ?? cause u know the sex is gonna be better ??

7. Have you ever used illegal drugs to enhance your sexual experience?

*cough cough* ... seems that there are a LOT of liars out there ... cause I am certain that in a country like SA where the weed truly does grow in your backyard that it is impossible to find someone who hasnt used even just this to enhance the experience ... maybe there is some confusion as to the word 'illegal' ... maybe they thought it meant drugs you can actually be busted for and not share with your local corrupt government official ?

Or possibly many of the respondents have used drugs to enhance the experience but just got so damn wasted they cant remember if they actually hand an experience at all ... yes guys/girls out there while u were passed out you gave her/him the best sex EVER and he/she tells all her friends about how incredible it was ... but hey as pointed out in some movie I forget right now ... if you were too wasted to remember it ... it never really happened ...

8. Do you masturbate?

Liars the whole lot of you ... in a country where you can find a sex shop within throwing distance of a midget you can gaurantee that these places are not being kept open by their DVD sales/rentals ... especially not with the abundance of pr0n being hawked on every street corner along with the latest Pixar or Disney epic (yea yea you were buying the kids movies and the street seller just "threw" the pr0n in for free) ... these places are stocked with the widest variety of dildos known to wooah man ... you see all those people in Cresta with the inconspicuous brown bags mixed in with the monthly groceries ... ladies and gentlemen thats a fucking DILDO in there ... big ones ... small ones ... ones shaped like a duck ... fat ones ... thin ones ... ones that even go quack ...

And guys ... the 5 finger shuffle may be all you need ... therefore I know for a fact that every guy has given himself a little tug on the odd occasion when you just feel like taking care of yourself ... nothing against women ... you aint gay or nothing ... you just wanna bond with yourself ... its okay guys ... this is NORMAL ... even promoted in some of those 'when I grow up Im gonna have a penis' books you were forced to read when you started to notice the emergence of breasts existing on more people than just your mom ...

9. Have you ever had sex?

How the fuck do you answer a sex survey if you havent ?? What kind of a question is this ... this should be question 1 not 9 ... and then if you answer no all it says thereafter is 'Do you mastubate?' ... cause fuck man if you answer no to having had sex and no to masturbating then how the fuck did you find this link anyhow ? Go away persons ... you are answering the wrong survey ... the 'Am I obsessed with Oprah' survey is neeexxxt week ...

10. Do you wish it had been different the first time you had sex?

Guys seem pretty even on this one ... tho thats a difficult one to answer cause really with any 'sport' you only get better with practice ... so what that you slipped and were fucking her up the ass for the first 7 seconds ... it dont matter cause u only lasted another 5 anyhow before you accidentally slipped out and came all over her bedsheets (im sure she was pleased with that) ... Ill bet you even basked in the afterglow thinking you were 'The Man' whilst she lay there thinking 'is this what its ALWAYS gonna be like ?' ... if by chance your first time was with the local bicycle Im sure you were already a tad confused when after giving you head she gargled and then burped out the alphabet to show off her wikked skillz ... im sure that when you met your next girlfriend and were faced with the same circumstance she was equally confused when it appeared to her that you had been educated in a pr0n movie ... ymmv

Women on the other hand ... I feel for you really I do ... I mean think about it ... suddenly out of the blue you get what used to prod you in the small of your back inserted into a hole which really shouldnt be stretched as much till your first child ... if its both your first time then he probably thought the extent of foreplay was telling you how beautiful you are and possibly lying to you about how much he loved you just so that he could get laid ... luckily for those in this situation he probably only lasted a few seconds so even though it hurt and even tho you felt pretty much no pleasure at all it was over in under 12 seconds or less ... of course being the beginner he is the simple sight of any blood probably sent him packing for fear that he 'broke it' ... for those with a more experienced partner I am sure that the intital pain ... became never ending pain ... till it became pleasurable (hopefully) ... if he was at least a reasonably giving lover he would have exchanged the 'words of love' for some decent cunning linguist action ... going down and digging for diamonds till you had enough moisture to fill a bath tub ... by the time he would have entered you the pleasure already experienced would simply be heightened and the relaxation of your muscles would have allowed a small submarine to pass through unnoticed ... you probably wouldnt notice just how long he lasted just that it was 'big and long' ... probably not quite sure on if you are referring to his member or the time taken ... great nookie has a tendancy to cause brain cells to switch off cause of lack of recent blood supply ...

Anyhow ... Ill carry on with the rest of the survey questions later in a second post ... im horny as fuck now from all this talk of sex, nookie and fucking ... god I cant wait to go home ... only a few days left to go ;)