Paranoia

Okay ... so I know im a bit of a paranoid android at times ... this can be both a good thing and a bad thing ... sometimes being a little scheptical of situations can assist you to be cautious and make the right decision ... but other times that same schepticism can destroy something you have fought so hard to build ...

Such was my situation yesterday ...

It all started (in my mind) from watching a scene in Summer of Sam which was on DSTV late on Saturday night (I had never watched the movie before so was interested to see what it was about) - firstly my opinion on this movie is that whilst it deals with a killer in 1977, the real story seems to revolve around the crashing between Punk Rock and Disco around the same time as well as the interactions between characters who were childhood friends yet through the distinct changes in their later youth they discovered differing passions which would change how they were able to interact and the opinions of people who in the past would have defended them wholeheartedly (the expression 'take a bullet for him' comes to mind) ...

So basically the scene involves Mira Sorvino who plays Dionna and John Leguizamo playing Vinny who are recently married couple with several issues in their sex life which have led to Vinny cheating on his wife on a regular basis because he cannot see his wife doing certain acts with him (like putting it up her batty ;) ) ... anyhow the interesting thing about this scene is the way I felt when it happened ... the scene plays out as follows:

Vinny and Dianna go to Studio 54 where they attempt to get in, being the popular place it is they get turned away by the bouncer and whilst they are fighting with him another guy with a camera comes out from inside and sees the 2 of them all dressed to the nines (as was expected of S54 in those days) ... he takes their picture and then urges them to come with him ... the then transition to a scene where they arrive at this guys house in a limo where they all get out and are holding champagne glasses ... the scene then transitions to them being inside and passing an ashtray to each other ... Vinny sits with his hand on some anonymous womans leg and Dionna appears to eye this out ... Vinny then asks her if she wants to stay and she replies that she does if he wants to and then he says he will if she wants and she says she does so they will stay ...

Then suddenly the scene changes to the two of them driving in her car (Vinny is driving) and they are both staring straight ahead and then he asks her if they are not gonna say anything to which she replies that she has nothing to say ... he then turns to her and says 'so did he fuck you better than I do' (upon hearing this i took a double take cause i thought maybe i missed something) ... she then replies that it was either the coke or the pills and she only did it to make him happy ... he then replies 'so did u cum just to make me happy' ... they then procede to have a huge fight where he calls her a whore and a slut and so on ... its at this point she brings up the fact that she knows he has been cheating on her and that he had cheated with her own cousin ...

Anyhow ... this entire scene as played out in the movie really bugged me and more than anything it is the exceptional direction of Spike Lee and the writers to blame ... by not showing exactly what happened you are left only up to the imagination to figure it out but basic elements are given as to what exactly occurred ... I spose more than anything it was the thought that on one hand a woman loved her husband so much she did this 'to make him happy' and on the other is the double standard of it in that through the entire film u know Vinny as the one who cheats and messes around and wont do certain things with his wife because of her role (this has a terrible effect on her in that she never feels like she is good enough or pleases him) ... so you already know that she is simply interested in pleasing her husband even if that means she has to be with another man in order to validate his being with another woman ...

Look this was the 70s and things back then were reasonably different (key/lock parties etc) ... so yea it isnt something I am faced with every day but it got me thinking about just how far someone will go for love and affection ... and the thing is I know of another situation in my life where a similar thing happened with some old friends of my past ... I didnt know the integral details but I did know that an ex of a friend of mine befriended his new girlfriend (the one he moved to after her) and ended up spending all her time with them 'as a friend' even going so far as to date and sleep with another of his friends just to stay close to him ... from an outsiders point of view I felt so sorry for her and wished there was something I could do or say to make her see that she was doing nothing but hurting herself ... I connected with her feelings because I have in my earlier life been the third wheel so many times so I know what it feels like to want someone to look at you and see and want u the way u see and want them but they are blinded by someone you know doesnt have their best intentions at heart ...

This all culminated yesterday in me having a huge fight with my gf ... I said some hurtful things and so did she and I assumed things which just werent true but I assumed them nonetheless ... my mind is just in so much peril when I am here ... I have so many things in my past which influence my future and I just wish I could turn them all off ... wipe them away and see life in the clearer more innocent way that my gf does ...

We are all a product of our environment in some senses but I have been around and seen some things I dont want to remember and I have always been the observer ... watching the goings on and forming opinions and judgements yet never having actually been involved ... I spose sometimes I just feel like I am forcing judgement onto people who really dont deserve it because I put them all in these boxes in my mind where they all sort of slot into ... most cases based on the first few initial encounters with them ...

If I can grow and change ... why cant they ?

/me out